Ugh
By the ExBF
Well, I meant to write before now, but I caught a gnarly stomach bug this weekend & didn't feel like doin' much o' nothin'...so there.
Basically, I'm feeling better, tho...last week was just filled with all kinds of uninvited stress. First, I found out my new car may now need a whole new transmission, then I got into a huge fight with my friend Jerry (Roxanne's brother), who has about a dozen different chips on his shoulder that me & everyone else are just tired of hearing about & catching the brunt of. He's one of those guys that's just angry at the entire world, and has been for years. I'm about the only friend he still has left because of how he treats everyone, and the other day he started in about something, and I just got fed up & decided I could not take it anymore, so I told him that I was tired of it & that if he wanted to still be a part of my life, he was going to have to get some help & work out whatever problems he has that make him act this way. And that did not go well, at all.
We ended up screaming at each other for about 2 hours, and it ended with him telling me to fuck off, and that he blames me for tossing his sister away into the arms of a drunk, redneck lesbian & making her life into what it is. So, that, along with another argument I got into with another friend about (mostly) unrelated stuff, kinda got me down a little, to say the least. And yes, I know he's mostly wrong, and it was mostly not my fault....but only mostly.
Honestly, though, I'm pretty worried about the guy. Like I said, I was about the only friend left that he hadn't pushed away yet, and even though he's grown up into a bitter, unhappy person who makes everyone around him feel the same way, I still feel bad, and I'm still concerned about what will happen to him. I know the guy has some dark thoughts from time to time. But I just don't know what the hell else I can do...I've tried for literally years to help the guy, and he just can't see anything past his own unhappiness...which I don't even really understand in the first place. But then Lanie reminded me of what my grandpa used to say: he said "boy, you can't save everybody, just try not to be standin' next to 'em when they go off!". Wise words from a wise man.
But I'm sure that's not the only thing that had me feeling down....I guess it's just been one of those months. My older sister has been having money problems, too, and I've been trying to help her out, but there hasn't been much help I've been able to give. And speaking of giving, I dunno what the hell I'm gonna do if my car really needs a new transmission, 'cus I can't just plunk down another grand on it right away. I was really hoping this summer might go smoother than the last one...maybe it still will, it's early yet.
Anyway, I know all you guys are right, as usual, about me & me guilt-filled luggage. I swear I really don't blame myself for everything that happens, but there have been a few things that, if you were gonna assign blame to them, the finger would have nowhere else to point, and those are the ones that bug me. I'm trying, though...I really am. I'll keep ya' posted...
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